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Real dates. Real disasters. |
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The Hunk of My High School by Kate L. (18, F, Cincinnati, OH) "This might be pretty long, but it is so worth your while. I don't know how bad dates can be, but this one is just straight out of a Ben Stiller movie. When I was a freshman in high school, there was this sex-god senior named Chris that every girl in the school was crazy about. He was in a band, had a cool bad-boy charm and was also hilarious and had a voice so sweet that it could make Celine Dion weep at the sound of it. He also ALWAYS had a girlfriend, and I was chubby, a little frumpy, really pale and totally off of his level. About a year after I graduated high school and started in on my grand community college education. I friended him on myspace after coming across his profile (by "coming across", I mean I searched for it). I was kind of a bulletin whore, so one day I decided to post the song lyrics to my favorite song in reference to studying for my English exam, and to my surprise, Chris responded with a message. Needless to say the English exam was completely on the back burner now. Now even on the back burner..studying for my exam was in the back of the fridge after that. I was beyond excited to receive his attention after all of these years, even if he wasn't totally sure how he knew me. I gave him my number and we started texting. I played it really cool, but I could tell that he might be into me so I summoned the courage to see if he wanted to "hang out" with me. He said yes, but there was no real date determined. About a week later, I get a text at about 10:00 at night from him, asking him if I wanted to party with him. "NO DOY" was my immediate response, but I realized that this is a six year crush I could be risking, so I settled down, put my clothes back on and summed it up to a "uh sure, when?" answer. "Now. Where should I pick you up from?"... Was I dreaming? I gave him my address and a little direction, including the fact the my parents house was for sale and when he gets on my street, look for a "for sale" sign and that's it. He wrote back "for sale sign?" How did he not understand? "Yeah, a for sale sign.." was all I could think to say back. "Well, I think I'm on your street or something" he put about 15 minutes later. "Ok, I'll go outside". I stood outside for about 10 minutes, when I saw a '93 Lincoln ZOOMING past my house, with the music blaring. My road dead ends, so I figured if it was him, he would have to turn around. Sure enough, the same car comes back and pulls into my driveway. I was smoking a cigarette and I had no idea if he smoked or not, so I opened the passenger door and said "Do you mind if I smoke in here?" "Come on, MAAAAAANNNNNNNNN...." What the hell does that even MEAN? Jesus, a simple yes or no would have been fine, but this answer was just flat out confusing. It was enough to make my hands shake. The wrong move could either embarrass me or make him hate me, or both. If I didn't need the cigarette yet, I definitely do now. I had no idea what to do. 'Ok, I will just get in with it and if he meant no, he will clarify' I thought. As soon as I got in, I smelt COPIOUS amounts of alcohol. "Howztgoin" he said. "Uhh pretty good. Where are we going?" I said. "Welp, the guys I was partyin' with before got pretty partied out so I don't really know. My friend Matt is having a birthday party that we can go to but I don't know where it is.." Wow...So here we are, he's drunk as hell and I don't have my license (or insurance), the radio is too loud to hear anything (not to mention that the speakers are going out and all I can hear is static on my side), and I still have no idea if I can smoke in here or not. Perfect. Static and silence for about five or ten minutes when he turned the music down and said "You know, you are pretty brave for getting in this car. The speedometer doesn't work and I have a head light out." GREAT. This guy is making things super easy for me here. Is this how I'm going to die? We sat in silence for about ten minutes when he said "Wityo-nadmi-abur..?" I was too scared and in shock to say 'what?', so I just kinda half laughed and sat back. He looked at me for a second and then bent his arm back behind him and started fumbling with something. He did this (while swerving in and out of lanes) for about 45 seconds until he brought his hand back with a Natty Light. "OHHH, did you say "Will you grab me a BEER?"" I said. "Uh huh. It's cool though, I got it." I was pretty embarrassed, but that was solved when he ran a stop sign and cut some lady off, which caused me to pee a little. She laid on her horn for a good 30 seconds to which he replies: "BITTTCCH shut up!" Then, he called his friend who was throwing the party to get directions. He was on the phone for about 10 minutes, and by this point, I had no idea where we were. I knew we had left the tri-state, but I didn't know what county or city or even state we were in anymore. After he hung up he said "Ok, so it sounds like my ex-girlfriend is there. So you might have to pretend to be my girlfriend until she leaves.." ALRRRIGHHHT!!! I thought. Ok. So he might be drunk (and he had also mentioned taking a Xanax sometime in that car-ride from hell), and he might have gained a little weight since high school, but this is still the guy that I had swooned over for YEARS now and this is the scenario my 14 -year-old-self had always fallen asleep thinking about. So, yeah. I was still excited. We get there (alive) and he parks on the street. As we are parking, ironically, the song "Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?" comes on the radio and, once again, he turns it up to the point where the speakers are mostly static. I distinctly remember thinking at that exact moment (very vividly) '...trying WAYYY too hard, Chris...' He puts the car in park and says "I gotta piss.." and starts getting out (to piss on the tire, right in front of me). "Should I just stay in the car, then?" I said, sorta laughing. "Yeah. Just stay in the car. Listen to Lit while I piss." He knocks on the door and Matt (whom I had never met) answers the door. "HELLO HELLO HELLO!" says a man in a full drag queen outfit. I was a bit taken back by this. At this point, Chris starts walking in and FALLS completely on his face. That's when the rest of the party (who is also dressed in drag) runs to the door and starts to help him up, laughing at the same time. Laughing; laughing AT him. When he gets up, we walk in and there she is, standing against a wall: His ex. A tall, blonde girl from my English course. Great. That's his ex? Awesome. Only four more weeks in that class. Perfect. To cut this short, I will bullet point the rest of the night, in order: 1) His ex at some point pulls him into the kitchen and starts screaming at him, which results in her crying. 2) I don't talk for the first hour because everyone is making fun of Chris for falling and his ex is mocking me from the corner. 3) I used a toilet that doesn't flush. It gets clogged and I have no idea what to do because on the wall inside the bathroom by the toilet, someone wrote: "If you are in here for more than two minutes, everyone assumes you are shitting" 4) I drink to relieve tension and somehow give myself a nosebleed 5) His ex leaves 6) Chris takes more Xanax 7)Chris looks at me and says "You know I was homecoming king, right?" 8) The people who live there turn off all the lights and go to bed 9) Everyone who doesn't live there goes to sleep on the living room floor (since it's so dark, I curl up in a puddle of red spilled drink and don't realize until morning) 10) Chris kisses me and he ends up trying fooling around in a room full of people whom we believe are sleeping, until they hear us and start laughing The next morning, I wake up in a (now) tie-dyed red and white shirt, completely hung over. One by one, the memories of the drunken night unfold one by one, starting with the ladder. "SHIT" I say, out-loud, waking up Chris. He took me to Waffle House (where our super sassy waitress explains to the other waitress that she has a boil under her armpit, which made me COMPLETELY throw-up in my mouth) and I had to explain everything that happened the entire night to him. The only thing he remembered (surprisingly) is fooling around. At least the pissing on the tire thing made him laugh..."
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