Wow, My Date Sucked!


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Oops, Was That Right In The Eye?
by Hyacinthe L. (19, M, Cold Lake, Alberta)

"It was the winter of 2010, outside children played in the snow and bears were sound asleep. It was a winter wonderland. Although trouble was brewing in paradise. Two good friends were about to go on the worst date of their lives and it would change who they both were FOREVER.

Her name was Lisa and I had been trying to woo her for quite some time. Finally I got my chance at the big league. She was giving me an audition, if you will, to see if I would be an adequate partaker of her rose garden. I had decided, having just driven 400 miles, that a quiet night inside would not only be very appropriate... but pleasant also. (I know what you're thinking -- first date quiet night inside, who the hell is this guy?)

Before her arrival I made sure to light a few candles to try to dissipate the wafting smell of a lonely bachelor who was beginning to think a Fleshlight was the ideal partner (jk although it did smell like ass in there).

The air radiated with the smell of my Betty Crocker Blueberry Pie-scented candles along with Journey playing softly in the background. She entered my home and as soon as she walked in I knew. I knew tonight was going to be some kind' of f*cking train wreck. (A late train wreck I might add.)

First of all she was wearing a skirt over jeans, WHO DOES THAT! SHE LOOKED LIKE A SIX YEAR OLD!!! What happened to the sexy cleavage of her cocktail dress, God only knows. Anyways, she came in and then the question of the night was asked.

What movie do you feel like watching?

Naturally I wanted to watch "The Notebook" and she was stuck on "Universal Soldier". So being the man the I am, I made a compromise. "Arma'f*cken'Geddon" bitches. Well "Armageddon"-- but you get it. I assumed if I'm going to at least get tail, Steve Buscemi and Bruce Willis were the ones to get it for me. WRONG.

Movies popped in were good to go... but oh wait, we have no popcorn. So we go to make popcorn. I realize all I have are the God forsaken air popping machines that spew up hot kernels of popcorn that seared the flesh like hot lead searing one's flesh. You can see where that went. Oh, and the butter from the popcorn ended up making a HUUUUUGGGGEEEE mess.

Settle down to watch the movie, gross popcorn and butter propped firmly upon our laps. I go for the ol' yawn and grab and end up ELBOWING HER IN THE FACE! She was pisssssssseeeeddddddd offfff. She wears glasses also and had to go get them repaired from a licensed optometrist. I then got a nosebleed from inhaling so much Betty Crocker wax. She then scurried to her car never to be seen from again.

I guess ill have to stick to chronic masturbation for now...

We later decided we would be better off as friends. She had a black eye.

Moral of the story: Don't burn yourself with the popcorn. Don't punch her in the eye. Don't try to use Buscemi to score."